Sunday, July 5, 2009

Marriage fears -- yeah. I got some


I’ve been thinking of marriage-things lately and this always returns me to my parents. Let’s face it: if we want to be responsible adults, we better start facing our fears about marriage smack in the eyes as cold as that might be. I want to have a good answer to this. Better now than later …

What terrifies me to the bone chilling bottom of my spine is a loveless marriage. (There. I said it. Oh look I’m still alive) At times, I think single life is ten times more merciful than one of these babies. I honor, love and cherish the ground that my parents walk on – and at the same time, I don’t want to repeat some of their mistakes.

It is not easy to confess to myself that I grew up with parents who in my perception did not love each other. I do believe that they started out with love, I think it always starts there somewhere in that land of emotional sparks and fantasy of a perfect prince or princess. But then reality hits, and for my parents, we came into the world, all four of my siblings and myself. We looked at mummy and daddy and there they were …

In my eyes, if you had to ask me while growing up what is mummy and daddy, or what is marriage, I’d tell you it’s two people living in one place, and they seem to have children around them. I wouldn’t tell you, even now, at this older age, that it’s love/compassion and mercy between two people (at least not from my experience or memories while growing up) as is written in our beloved Qur’an and indicated in our sunnah.

As a child, I saw my parents each one of them separately as loving, compassionate and merciful people like no others I’ve seen in my life. But together, the chemicals just did not … spark.

I hear you, but I don’t agree. Love-mercy is not the same thing as compromise-submission. It is not a solution to switch the two concepts, because the end result is emotional suicide. It is honorable, no doubt, to stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of the children especially if they’re a hefty number like five, as we were.

But simply put, a scene of a family led by parents who compromise and submit to their loveless marriage in order to live, is one thing – and a family where the parents love each other is another scene.

This is not about right or wrong, it is not about good or bad, not about evil and right --- it’s simply about scenarios, and I’m talking about the one that scares me the most. I’m talking about the one that I know. And it horrifies me…

Those two, my parents, I remember like it was yesterday, they would radiate happiness when they were separate. When daddy took me to his gatherings… wow, that king, when he walked in the room everyone would stand up so he can go around and shake their hands. Man had a presence like Napoleon walked in the room.

And his eyes would shine with bliss as he led the conversation that night, while taking a quick peak from the corner of his eyes at his little girl to see if she was watching. Girls love their daddies, don’t they …

On other days, mummy would take me along with her to her friends’ house. Boy I’d never see her smile like that at home….mummy got jokes! Who knew. Beautiful woman she is, she would sit with her friends sipping coffee and she’d crack a joke here, tell a story there, cross her legs on her seat like she was Shahrazad telling her tale not to the king, but to her friends …. She’d shine with happiness.

When they came together at home, mummy and daddy did not hate each other. But little girl always wondered where her other mummy and daddy went, the other ones she’d see elsewhere not in her home. Kids. They have an emotional intelligence far exceeding that of adults. And they see things. Feel things. Don’t have the words to articulate it all, but they know.

I am an adult today. Thinking of this thing called marriage. May Allah swt shower His mercy and grace upon my two parents who have raised me with honor and commitment. To them, I am most indebted. And to return their favor, it is my duty to learn from them, especially from their mistakes, and to make my choices as a free woman.

Wow. I feel sssssssssssssssssso much better now that I have an answer to this. I feel ten pounds lighter baby. I love blogging. Okay. Your turn people. :-) --




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8 comments:

Tauqeer said...

:) Not that I can relate to that very well or being able to write on this topic but all I am gonna say is...Don't worry you just gonna be fine inshALlah!

Just pray to Allah(swt) for a life worth living, and everything else will just fit in as they suppose to.

questfortherightone.blogspot.com said...

JAK Tauqeer :-) ...

Jonathan said...

So it is about marriage and Islam? Don't worry, your religion has been so good in teaching and guiding about marriage. You will be doing well.

My Getaway said...

Salam wa alikum sister,I can totally relate to this. Inshallah everything will work out just fine for you.

Nadz said...

I can totally relate to this. I feel the same way about my parent's relationship. Alhamdulillah both of my parents are gems and like you I am indebted to both of them for everything they've done for me. Yet I totally hear you when it comes to learning from their mistakes when making such a big decision like marriage. May Allah bless our parents and grant us good spouses inshallah.

By the way, I like your blog. It seems like we have a lot of the same 'worries'. :P

questfortherightone.blogspot.com said...

For sure, Jonathan. In Islam it's mostly the examples that the Prophet Muhammad has left behind that are most useful, in my humble opinion, for those thinking about the question of marriage. As in how he was around the house, basically ... Thanks for your kind words and, to answer your question, one hopes this is about marriage and Islam :)

Q

Anonymous said...

AA Quest,

I hope all is well, Insha' Allah. Could you kindly inform your readers of the second Muslim singles event scheduled for Saturday, August 15, 2009 at masjid SALAM in Sacramento, California. Our first event was quite successful with 80 brothers and sisters in attendance. To register, go to the following website: http://www.salamcenter.org
For the Facebookers out there, please check out the FB page that we created for the event: http://www.facebook.com/events.php?ref=sb&__a=1#/event.php?eid=110233708040

JAK,

A Brother in Islam

Hicham said...

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Keep it up.