Friday, March 27, 2009
Yin-Yang on Marriage and Love
From Quest to Yin-Yang: sis I'm so so soooo happy you're writing it out! like yeah, take up all the blog sweety .... but you'll have to buy me coffee next time we meet. With whipped cream. :-) ... i've always believed writing is a healing power. Tell it girl, get well ...
To my readers, if anyone has a story to share or an opinion to show and would like to use the healing power of 'writing it out', feel free to email me with a post for publishing. Or, comment away so I know you're reading. Brothers and sisters alike. hey, we're all human :-)
From Yin-Yang to readers:
Thanks everyone for the comments. Man, I feel I'm hogging Quest's blog. Thanks Quest :) I love you. I hope this public declaration of love is well received and that I don't scare your suitors off, ha!
I continue to work, alhamdullilah, but secretly hoping that my firm would approve of my sabbatical leave. As my collegue puts it, we work to get away from work. Not sure if that is healthy...
Not sure where I want to go, I feel I need to go away for a little while just to get my mind off, and to get my mind straight.
Anyway..... in doing up the notes to Part 2 of Tariq Ramadan's talk, I realize I had better attend a French spelling bee contest.
La famille par Tariq Ramadan (The Family, by Tariq Ramadan) Part 2
No one in the world shares your personality, not your brother, and not even your twin. Why is that? Because we are all created as unique beings who interact with others in a certain way.
The first responsibility we have is intropsection, to know ourselves. Before being responsible for another person, we have to be responsible for ourselves.
Each individual, man and woman alike, has his/her tastes, intelligence, and expectations. The first thing to do before finding a husband or a wife is to know what you want, know your expectations.
It is not as simple as 'this person is a Muslim, walhamdullilah'. It doesn't work this way. One should have trust in Allah, yes, but the world today is more complicated; society is more complex - take your time, listen to your needs.
Respond to your needs, and at the same time, respect the Islamic principles. It is not that one should respect the Islamic principles, and forget his/her own needs.
What are your needs? It may be that you need someone who talks with you, who spends time with you, or who listens to you. Or it may be that you need affection, need protection. Remember, you are responsible for your body, mind and soul.
Listen to yourself, make introspections, make an effort - a struggle of the self.
It is not enough to say 'this person is good-looking and has 'ilm', that should suffice. You are not only marrying another person, but also his/her psyche, emotions, intelligence, and also a person who should understand your needs. Understand your own needs, pay attention to your heart.
Everyone has expectations. Many men and women think it is sufficient for the other party to have certain looks and possess a certain amount of knowledge. Consequently, they are then wrecked emotionally when plunged into the daily challenges, because they forget to attend to their own needs and expectations.
Allah says in the Qur'an:
هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَّكُمْ وَأَنتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَّهُنَّ
2:187 They are as a garment for you, and you are as a garment for them.
Your spouse is, therefore, a garment of protection. A garment that protects your vulnerability, your fragility, your wounds, and your needs. A garment that shields you from wind and rain.
What is the wind and rain? Each individual has their weak spots, and one must search for the cover that one needs, whatever that may be for each person. But you need to find yourself, your need to know yourself, and you need to pay attention to yourself.
This is not being egocentric. Knowing yourself needs humility, needs courage, and needs acknowledgement of your own weaknesses.
People nowadays speak of the perfect marriage, but this is only verbal marriage. Nowadays, divorces are on the increase, especially amongst Muslim couples. We don't have a practical plan, it's all theoretical. We need to put Islam in practice.
Each one of us is a unique individual. In a relationship, one should not suffer while the other party gains. No, both parties should develop and blossom together. Remember, we are to return to Allah as an individual, we are responsible for ourselves.
However, as a couple, we must also remember the following:
لاَ يُكَلِّفُ اللّهُ نَفْسًا إِلاَّ وُسْعَهَا لَهَا مَا كَسَبَتْ وَعَلَيْهَا مَا اكْتَسَبَتْ
2:286 God does not burden any human being with more than he is well able to bear
It is true that Allah does not give you more than what you can bear. However, when you decide to live with this man or this woman as a spouse, you must remember the other part of the verse, that is: What you can bear, however, you must bear it.